say goodnight

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear You now

Have you ever been entirely devoted to something for six and a half years?

There are the obvious answers. Friends, family, religion.

But what about a band?

Five days ago, Audio Adrenaline announced that they will be releasing one more record, the aptly titled Adios, before calling it quits after fifteen years of making music.

I was in sixth grade when Audio Adrenaline first entered my life. My dad purchased Songs for Life, a cheesy contemporary Christian compilation sold on late night television. Present on this album were the usual suspects: a few parts Sandi Patty and Point of Grace, a handful of Micheal W. Smith, and just a pinch of Carmen. Of interest, however, was Man of God.

If I make it, I’m a good man
Am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I’m never good enough
So I let grace prevail.

Sometimes I'm a man of God.

I remember listening to this song compared to the rest and noticing the profound difference. Musically, this was unlike anything I had previously encountered.

Mostly, I remember what an effect the lyrics had on me. I was eleven or twelve, but I knew there was something different about this song. It was raw. It was untouched. It was basic. It was real. It was a contemplation of the incredible grace of God for men that are inconsistent and undeserving. And though it would be years before I really could begin to comprehend exactly what this meant, the lyrics struck a resounding chord within me.

Their 1999 release Underdog is the soundtrack for my first summers with the FBC youth group. I was in junior high and trying so hard to find my place anywhere that would take me. Once I got into the youth group I decided that I needed to start listening to more Christian music in order to fit in with the churchy crowd.

I found Audio Adrenaline and found myself.

Their lyrics were never perfect; they were rarely ultra profound. They lacked a certain eloquence that other artists possessed.

But in their simplicity I was captured.

I think I see a lot of myself in that.

I get down, You lift me up.

I'll go where you send me.

This is the good life; I've lost everything.

I followed the band closely after that summer.

I saw them in concert while they were on tour for their album Lift. I walked away feeling like I had just witnessed something incredible; something worthy. Something I was privileged to encounter.

Can’t find the words to say
Life gets in the way
Words trip out of my mouth
Lord I wanted to
Sing a song to You
I don’t always know how

At some point during my High Fidelity-esque list making phase, I decided that I needed a top five bands of all time list.

1) Audio Adrenaline.
2-5) varies by day/mood

I was indeed a fan.

It's so strange now, because it seems that I've lived my life with their music in the background. 6th grade? Man of God. 7th grade? Houseplant Song. Freshman year? Rest Easy. Junior Year? Dirty and Hands and Feet. Senior Year? It's Over.

Say goodnight to all the friends who rock and rolled beside you.

Audio Adrenaline helped write the stories of one third of my life. One third. And now I'm feeling nostalgic and a bit wistful; it does indeed seem like the end of an era.

I guess it's our turn to say goodnight.

It's over, it's over. It's all over now.

no return to the law

Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another--to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God...But now we have been delivered from the law, having died to what we were held by, so that we should serve in the newness of the Spirit and not in the oldness of the letter.
Romans 7:4,6


I work with high school girls on Tuesday nights.

One thing I've noticed is how they gauge their relationship with Christ. I will ask them questions about what God wants for our lives, and they will make comments in return like, "Jesus wants me to not smoke, drink or have sex with my boyfriend."

In my own life, I find myself constantly doing the same thing. I turn my relationship with God into a checklist of dos and do-nots.

Do read your Bible daily.
Do pray as often as possible.
Don't flirt with that boy. He's not a Christian.
Do smile and tell people "I'll pray for you."
Do dress modestly.
Do respond to every compliment with "It's all for/because of Jesus!"
Don't have sex/smoke/drink/do drugs/listen to rock & roll music/do other things otherwise associated with the devil.

And somehow I've made my walk with God burdensome; though He tells me that He gives me rest, I find none. I find only condemnation.

Two Sunday mornings ago I found myself in a very dry place. I sat in my pew and wanted to talk to my Father. Immediatly, I ran over my checklist in my mind.

I hadn't read my Bible in God knows how long.
I hadn't prayed in weeks.

My heart dropped. I didn't deserve to talk to God that morning. I should go home and read my Bible and try again next Sunday.

As I write these words, I recall every youth group meeting/camp/conference of my life. I know that I've been told before that this mindset is not of God; I know that I've been told that there is nothing I can ever do to deserve God's grace. I know that I've been told that He freely gives us His love.

Yet I still find myself staring down at my list of things I need to do in order to be a good Christian and deem myself inadequate.

Derek Webb says it best.

what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything

The truth that we've all been afraid to hear is that the Christian life cannot be simplified to a list of dos and don'ts. It can't really be simplified to anything.

If it could, Christ's death would have been in vain. Think about it.

It's a mysterious, dangerous, unpredicatable life we live. Our God is not a tame God. We ask Him how we should live, and do you know what He tells us?

Follow me.

Not "have a quiet time every morning." Not "join a Bible study or lead it for more jewels in your crown." Not "pray for one hour a day."

Follow me.

This is so frightening because it doesn't fit any formula. It can't be sold on TV. It can't be explained away in one thirty minute small group time. You can't understand it by reading a book about how to learn to listen to the Holy Spirit in seven easy steps (six if you are super spiritual).

This is why we rush back to the law so quickly. It makes logical sense. Service Project X plus Spiritual Discipline Y minus Sin Of Choice Z equals success in Christ.

There is nothing we can do but follow Christ.

I'm starting to see the freedom in that.

do not be afraid