Friday, December 15, 2006
I've had so few words lately.
Sometimes I think the best writers are those who are the most self aware. In the spirit of this, here is some awareness.
I've recently been told that my life looks too much like the Gilmore Girls. Talk fast, witty remarks, random adventures, over used spontaneity.
Consciously, I don't want to be that girl. I know people who are, and I tend to avoid them. I am just wondering, what part of this WB drama is persona and what part of it is the reality that makes up who I am? I don't feel like I stir up when there is no need. Quite the opposite, actually. I have grown into a diplomat. I can usually make most arguments diffuse by stating the positions in a new light. I rarely bring up small annoyances. I see myself as a peacemaker.
How much of me is who I am?
Our culture constantly tells us to perform, to be different, to be unique, to stand out. We can show everyone on the web how many friends we have, the album we are listening to that makes us seem tragically hip. We can create peronalities on MySpace, Facebook. How much of what we put into that is ourselves, and how much is hype?
I feel like that biggest life lesson I've had this semester is transparency, but sometimes I feel like I let even that define me.
How does a person show who they are when aspects of themselves carry positive and negative judgements?
How can someone really not take into account those judgements?
Show me a person who doesn't care what people think, and I'll show you a person who wants people to think they don't care what people think.
There is the crux of it.
How to stop being, stop defining, stop judging, stop categorizing.
How to start living.
How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? How is it possible to stop competing in every area of our lives? How can we tear down the strata and just be ok with who we are?
What is it that makes up "who I am" anyway?
How much of it is what I do?
How much of it is what I like?
How much of it is what I think?
How much of it is where I call home?
How much of it is who I call friends?
How much of it is how I react to situations?
What is the ultimate summation of being?
I have no answers, just a continual and sometimes failing search for authenticity.